Today (06/18/08) was A's due date. She's 10 days old and sleeping soundly in the little bassinette area attatched to her Graco Pack n' Play. That's where she's slept since she came home from the hospital. The Pack n' Play is downstairs in our living room. So, I've been sleeping on our couch since we got home. I think it's mostly because even though we have a regular bassinette in our room, the changing pad is in the nursery. On the Pack n' Play the changing pad is attached to one of the sides. So, everything is just convenient. I want to move her upstairs as soon as possible though. I want to sleep in my own bed and breastfeed in my comfy armchair I have set up there.
When I was moved from labor and delivery to a recovery room at the hospital things were pretty easy. I only had to leave my bed to pee and change the baby's diaper. Everything else was brought to me or done for me. I just had to care for the baby. She mostly slept. I, on the other hand, was somehow wide awake most of the time. I honestly haven't had a full 8 hours of sleep since the Thursday before baby A was born. In the hospital my 2 biggest discomforts were my tear (which was ok as long as they let me sit on these ice packs the nurses would make up for me) and the IV line which was left in just in case I started to hemmoridge (or however you spell it). I kept bumping it on things and it made me feel queasy.
Once I got home though, I got really uncomfortable. My stitches were really sore even with the dermaplast spray and tucks pads I was using. So, I'd take the Lortab my OB prescribed to help, but then I'd end up spacey and irritable. This pain developed in the middle of my back; like nerve pain. My feet suddenly swelled up (supposedly from the IV fluids) and hurt. Lastly, my nipples hurt like crazy from baby A and I still fighting for a good latch. The sleep deprivation didn't help either. I was waking the baby up every 3 hours or so to eat. If I didn't she would just sleep.
I've cried a lot since I've been home. I cried because the baby started crying and I didn't know what to do for her. I cried because my milk came in 4 days after baby A was born and it hurt. I cried because at her first pediatrician's appointment I found out she had gone down to 7lbs 4 ounces which was too much loss. So, I was told to suppliment with formula. I cried when I used the breastpump for the first time. I felt like less of a mom because I felt like all I had done day in and out is feed feed feed and now I had to use the pump and formula because my baby wasn't getting enough to eat. I cried because people kept coming over and I just wanted to be alone with my baby. I cried because I even started to get tired of seeing my own mom (who would bundle the baby up because my house "is cold" or tell me to just pump into bottles and use a pacifier already) and because in-laws that had brought a killer flu a month or so earlier when I was still pregnant wanted to come see the baby after recently having colds. I cried today because I left the house to pick up a couple of things at the store and felt guilty for leaving my 10 day old baby for 30 minutes. I've cried because I could see the "I'm hungry" signs coming and my nipples ached so bad I didn't know if I could bare to even try to breastfeed her (now I see why formula companies send those free cans! There have been so many exhausted nights where I just wanted to break open a can and mix a bottle; give my poor breasts a break.).
Life is great though. The swelling in my feet has started to go down. My stitches don't hurt nearly as much so I can sit.
Update 6/23/08
Things are getting better. The swelling in my feet is completely gone! They are back to normal. I only really feel my stitches in the shower for some reason (maybe the hot water). It's still not a perfect process, but breastfeeding is getting better. We have our good and bad days. My poor right nipple got so mutilated that I ended up just pumping that side for a day or so to give it a chance to heal while I fed her from the left side (which she prefers anyway).
Sleep makes such a difference! Last night my husband had me and the baby move upstairs and he got up to change her diapers. So, I only had to feed her and put her back down when she dozed off. Instead of waking her last night and today, I've just been letting her sleep and changing/feeding her when she wakes up herself. She feeds so much better!!! She still doses off by the end of the first side or the beginning of the second, but she eats continuously for about 15 minutes. So much better than me having to tickle her feet and stuff for the whole 20 or so minutes just to get a few swallows here and there. She seems to be latching better too. I think the extra sleep we both got has really helped. I feel much less bleary eyed and irritable and more able to focus and be patient; such a welcome difference. SO refreshing.
She's on target weight-wise. She had a 2 week check up today and everything is normal. Last Monday she had gone back up to her birthweight with the formula/breastfeeding. Today she has gone up 6 more ounces. So, that's about an ounce a day just on my breastmilk. :) Yay!
Physically I don't have too many concerns. I don't dare look at my stitches. I just take care of the area the best I can and figure the doctor will tell me at my 6 week appointment if anything is wierd. My belly has gone down to nearly my prepregnancy amount of protrudance. It just looks like I had a mini gastric bypass with all the hanging skin. The stretch marks have begun to fade a little bit already, but the linea negra is still pretty dark and there. I'm still wearing my pregnancy belly panel pants for now. With everything else I've been dealing with, I didn't want to add depression to do the fact that I can't pull on my pre-pregnancy jeans to the mix. For now I'm just reminding myself that it's all worth it to have this beautiful little baby here with me. So, the physical changes (which are more uncomfortable mentally than physically) aren't really an issue. There is just too much else to worry about at the moment.
My advice so far:
3 products I really like so far: The Dunstan baby language DVD and Bravado Original nursing bras, and Gerber onsies with the cuffs at the ends (our baby has talons and likes to try to disfigure herself with them! My husband who has scars from this happening when he was a baby insists on keeping her hands covered when her nails are long and the little mitts we had get flung, pulled off or stretched out too easily).
As long as the baby is eating well, gaining weight and producing the right amount of dirty/wet diapers, let her sleep!
Find a way to get some rest! Even if it's only here and there. It makes such a difference.
Accept help and surround yourself with supportive people if you can. 2 of my best sources of advice and support have been a girlfriend with 3 kids who I never see, but who I keep in contact through email and the gals in this online forum I belong to. Even just having my best girlfriend come over and bring coffee and cupcakes was really nice and refreshing. A little piece of life before baby mixed into my new mommy role.
Vent! Last night I vented for like 30 minutes to one of my brothers (who is 2 years younger than me, but incredibly similar in temperment) and it felt so good. Afterwards I could just leave all of the emotional baggage I had been carrying around, that didn't really have much directly to do with the baby, there.
Remember...until 2 weeks ago, this baby was snug in my belly with no ideas about what the world outside was like. She has been thrust quite suddenly into a place where she can get cold, wet, hungry and upset tummies and the only one who can fix things is me. So, it's no wonder she frantically cries for me when she's feeling uncomfortable. My husband comes home from work every night and sees a baby either being fed or sleeping snuggly and gives me a big kiss and says "good job honey." Don't forget to look at the perfect little baby in front of you during those quiet times and tell yourself "good job honey."
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